Some Unicorns Just Eat Quadratic Equations and There's Nothing You Can Do About It

As some of you may already know, sometimes I sit down to do my math work when a remarkable rainbow unicorn leaps out and, then, obviously, I have to spend the next half hour drawing him. As all people know, rainbow unicorn really love quadratic equations. They love to eat them.

Shockingly this excuse does NOT work better then my-dog-ate-my-homework. But how can you do math when a masterful unicorn has appeared before you? How can you say no?

In fact it's the constantly distracting rainbow unicorn that's distracted me from posting recently. Bursting forth and demanding I stop all productive work, and, I have no choice but to comply.

Monday Mornings Are Not The Days To Be Happy

No.
Just no.

Some people excel at being cheerful, and that is wonderful, but everyone knows Monday Mornings are reserved only for half-asleep mumbling, continual grumbling, or some combination of the two.
Everyone knows this.
It's common courtesy to give everyone a little more leniency on these dreaded mornings.
Someone bumps into you in the hall? Poor guy, it's Monday.
Your friend doesn't respond to your text? It's all good, it's Monday.
Your ex-employee tries to set fire to your desk, it's Monday. You might want to get a restraining order, but it'd be a lenient one because, it was a Monday.

You know the whole misery loves company thing? on Monday Mornings, you give misery company.

Yet some people persist with this ridiculous cheerfulness on the morning one is forced to become acquainted with their alarms. Speaking as someone currently procrastinating enough to make this coming Monday 30% more painful, I can say, there's a good chance some one's cheerfulness is about to ruin my misery.

No one wants their Monday Morning melancholy interrupted with these ridiculous notions of unending happiness! 

Do You Know Which Snowman Your Children Are Bringing To Life?

Frosty the Snowman is an adorable tale, yes, but what if it hadn't been Frosty but Steven the Angry? First off I find it amazing that children who see a snowman come to life didn't immediately start screaming, secondly, there is no special part of the magic hat that wards off bad influence snowmen. And that is what this informative post is about today.

Parents everywhere would love to wrap their children in bubble-wrap
to keep them safe, but 99.375% have not considered the dangerous implications of a magical snowman from the Wrong Crowd.


Maybe said snowman teaches your children bad words, or lures them into a life of drugs or dangerous activity. Maybe you look outside, see your kids playing with a magically-brought-to-life snowman and can't hear him saying, "Yo kids, late starts are laaaame! Why don't you just skip for today? Any of your parents got any alcohol lying around?"

Beware the influences your children could receive from putting a magical hat on the wrong snowman.

Toasters Vs. Blenders: The Final Battle Part 2

The title is sort of misleading because, due my constant talk of dangerous fire-breathing goats and toaster-blenders wars, I've added a love story to the story of the epic world-changing war betwixt Toasters and Blenders.

No, I will not give them names with some connection to Romeo and Juliet, like every other movie and story. I refuse to, I read Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and although I love Shakespeare, This is different. The blender is not thirteen. The Toaster has not already previously fallen madly in love with a blender. And this story will not end with the 'oh happy dagger!'  'I am thy sheath' *stab*. No. This is an unrelated forbidden love story to make my descriptions and depictions of appliance wars seem less violent.

If I ever felt the need to create an image to convince someone of my love for them, this would be it.


Speaking of which, I'm ambitiously planning to do a post every day in February leading up to Valentine's Day, because everyone has a love-hate relationship with Valentine's Day. Fourteen Days of Terror. Fourteen Days of Too Much. Fourteen Days of Love and Chocolate?

Toasters Vs. Blenders: The Final Battle Part 1

An epic battle is ranging as we speak in the world of appliances. The blenders, prized by fancy alcohols everywhere and summer smoothie drinkers, is at war with the toast-popping and bagel-warming toaster.


It started with a simple conflict at a popular watering hole for electrical appliances, the Eastern Outlet Fields. A dispute erupted between a four-slot toaster and a professional grade blender, since then the two appliances have been bitter enemies and rivals.

Troops have been mustered, wires have went flying, lids have been left off, toast has filled the air, with casualties on both sides. Who can say which will be the last appliance standing?
The Tribal Toasters or the Blender Clans


Make no mistake people, the food will fly and only one with remain in kitchens across America.

Part 2: Fire-Breathing Goats and why YOU Should Invest

I have two more extremely official statistical graphs that will win over anyone hesitating, when it comes to Fire-Breathing Goats. As you can see above, there is only a 2/3rds chance of an Apocalypse resulting from my creation of these weaponized creatures. I Have another graph too!


Okay, so by looking at the Target graph, you can obviously see what an important target fire-breathing goats are. It's the inside layer.





Maybe I may not be extremely proficient with graphs, or how to use them correctly. But by now you've already realized genetically engineering fire-breathing goats is a absolute necessity, and you should totally invest.



Which is why I feel it's the right time to mention another possible danger:

The Fire-Breathing Goat Black Market
Yes, a black market for my genetically engineered goats might crop up, but by now you've realized, it's totally worth it, and fire-breathing goats are a thing of the future.