There ARE Monsters In Your Closet, I Killed One The Other Day

The other day, I was going through my closet, minding my own business when I saw something that made my blood run cold.

A giant spider perched on an orange tank top. Some might say he was minding his own business, but I believe differently. I think he was lying-in-wait, preparing for the one day when I would wake up and decide, "I should totally wear my orange tank top!".

Luckily for me I was not attacked because I was not alone in the house (take that evil spider! ha!) and I was able to raise the Special Spider Detection Alarm (ie I gasped, jumped back, and cried out for help like a small child).

Help soon arrived to whisk away the shirt and shake out the spider, but deep down my primal instincts told me it wasn't over. This is why it's always important to listen to your instincts, because I was totally right.

The day past, and I soon forgot about the monster that had lurked in my closet, until I returned to my room to sleep. The house was dark, I was alone, I turned to look back at my closet (maybe it was some sort of sixth sense) and I saw it.

The spider was back, sitting and waiting at the corner of my closet, near my bedroom door. He was trying to force me away from the door, I just knew it. I had to admire the spider's devious tactics. On retrospect I'm pretty sure he spent his early days growing up on some army training camp, or special ops facility.

I realized I was trapped, and I couldn't call for help. I had to act.

What Happened Next

 Adrenaline coursed through my veins, and bravery filled me from head to toe. I knew it was time for the final face off, the last stand. I did what any brave soldier would do. I grabbed my Hawaiian themed umbrella and attempted to whack the crap out of the spider

You're probably thinking, "Wow Kendrah! That is incredibly brave and self-less! You must have done him in with one hit!" but you'd only be half right. The spider, upon seeing my brutal strength and keen intelligence made a run for the door.

Blows glanced off his exoskeleton (it was probably infused with titanium or some such substance) as I chased him. I knew I had to end it. I had to protect my people, I couldn't let him get away. One hit from the umbreella seemed to stun him momentarily, I saw my opening.

I went into a berserker's rage, swinging and swinging and jabbing with my weapon until the spider was lifeless. 

Then I calmly deposited his body into the trash and slept with the calm and grace of a seasoned warrior.

What Actually Happened Next

I froze for a moment and just stood there staring at the spider. Fear coursed through my veins. I stood there for another moment. I grabbed my Hawaiian themed umbrella for protection. I felt filled with nervous energy but I knew my emotional and mental state was quickly deteriorating with the close proximity of the spider.

So I tried to hit the spider with my umbrella and missed miserably. The spider started to run away. I knew I had to end it. I had to protect myself from being haunted by this spider's possible continuing existence in my house, I couldn't let him get away.

So I kept trying to beat the crap out of the spider, but after every hit he kept moving a little.

So I hit him a bunch more. Then I realized it was the force of my blows that were sending his dead body flying.

So then I hit him a few more times.

And then I hit him a few more. 

And then I stared at his corpse with the sinking realization that I was going to have to clean it up. Otherwise I would be up the whole night half convinced he wasn't really dead, and his body was so close he could definitely come after me.

Shaking, I snatched up a wad of tissues that was equal to about half the box, I gingerly grabbed the body and (still shaking) deposited it in the trash. 

Then I slept with the calm and grace of a seasoned warrior.

My ancestors from which I get my warrior instincts: